Reaching 42!

I am celebrating today, quietly at the moment because I am at work. Today is my 42nd birthday and I made it. Each year past 39 is a gift because of surviving heart disease and overcoming a family tradition of dying in the 40's.

Two weeks ago I helped my daughter clean a big house that I used to work in every Saturday. In the past all the vacuuming, scrubbing and stair climbing would reduce me to a puddle of sweat. I did not realize it until the end of the night, but I was not even winded by all that I did, no sweat either. What a joy to know that I was healthier as compared to 3 years ago!! And the next day, I was invigorated, not wiped out by working until 11PM!

I was asked yesterday about my stomach and how it now works. So, I am adding a diagram of what the anatomy of a gastric bypass stomach looks like. It was noticed how little I ate for Easter dinner. The best part of the dinner for me was lentil salad. Beans are my friends lately. They have everything I need: protein, carbs, fiber and soothing to my stomach, not overwhelming.

This Easter was the best one I have had since coming to Christ. I attended a Palm Sunday service, a Good Friday service and then 2 services yesterday. Good Friday was amazing. Quite, somber, dark, and real, causing me to consider the impact of the cross and the weight of it and of my sin. Then I watched the Passion on Saturday, which is so convicting and graphic, but still not as graphic as the truth of what Jesus went through. And scientifically he should have died in the scourging but God allowed him to suffer so much more than a normal human body would have. He allowed himself to outwardly show the effect of our sin and what He bodily took on for us. I was so humbled to a new depth. My favorite part is the love that Mary and Mary Magdalen show when they use the linen cloths given to them by Pilot's wife to mop up Jesus' blood. They treated it as so valuable, because it is, and it was such an act of humility and love for our Lord. Then a sweet sermon at church and a joyful family time both at church and at our Pastor's home. A dear sister in the Lord came to visit me and it was such a blessing. I did not know how much I had missed seeing her beautiful face! Then I went to an evening service that was a massive rejoicing party. Several people came to the Lord right there and I witnessed about 50 people baptized. Some came to Christ and were baptized on the spot. The one that hit me was a young boy about 8 or 9 who was crying openly and it was clearly that his soft heart had been touched and he was convicted and ready. The whole place cheered loudly when he came out of the water!

Praise the Lord. My grave clothes (fat) are outwardly coming off, and like Lazarus, I needed Jesus' to help take them off. I am not as emotionally numb as I was and because of that Jesus is reaching deeper into my life, because He made it so I can let Him. I asked Him for this long ago. I prayed: "Jesus, please help me to lose the weight forever so I am no longer hindered and I can do Your will."

Shifting paradymes

I have been sort of comforted by knowing that no one is listening to me on this blog, but I think that should change as that is why I have it right? to communicate?

I am doing well, though I really need to get more excercise as I feel weak and tired a lot lately. I am walking today at work with a friend who has lost 120 pounds on her own so far. For all my friends not wanting to do the weight loss surgery, my work friend goes to a nurse practitioner in Kirkland who has helped her devise a nutrition program that has worked. The Nurse practitioner is: Suzan Watanabe 425-899-5600

I have been hovering around 190 - 192 for 3 weeks. Like when I hovered around 199 for a few weeks, but this weekend I was 186! and this morning 188, so I am seeing that my actual daily weight has so much to do with hormones and water and what time of day it is. Those factors were never a big deal when I was completly in denial about my weight, and in reality those factors really aren't a big deal now either, but I need to be aware so I don't get discouraged.

I am in a size 14 pant, which for me is really weird, and it is weird for my daughter too as that is her size. I have not been this size since about 1996 when I had crept back up from a size 8 for about 6 months and at 165. That was when I ate only protein and I walked 5 miles a day. Then I injured my back and that was the beginning of the balloonJen. I was a size 14 for years after I had Jess, so that was my "normal" for a really long time.

The other completly weird thing for me is that men are looking at me again and it is sort of terrifying. I love it at the same time, but it is scary as I am so prone to wander. “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” I am repeating this like a mantra lately. It places me back in Christ's care.

My flesh wants to go on Match.com or eharmony or some other hunt-for-men site to "put myself out there" but I also know that I am so skittish and not equipped to discern a good man. So, I have to trust that Jesus will properly prick the heart of a man that he has chosen for me. That man will not need any internet site to find me because Jesus has so many other resources available to Him that are far beyond my comprehension. Because of my past, I need to steer clear of internet dating of any kind.

The byproduct of getting my body to a place where I have more energy and my feet don't hurt all the time and I am not some heart and pancreas time bomb waiting to go off as I ignore all the crap I stuff in my mouth is that I am looking better than I have in a long time, but I still only see the chicken wings under my arms and the "apron" of skin that is hanging over my c-section scar. I am still surprised when I wash my face because I can feel my bones more. I am getting all my 30's wrinkles all at once though and that is truly weird. I look like my dad because I have all 35 of his laugh lines!

I need to get my cholesterol checked again too, but first I need a month of walking under my belt so I can have my numbers at their very best! Walking brings down LDLs and Triglycerides (the bad guys) and brings up HDLs (good guys).

If you are reading this blog I challenge you to know your numbers! http://www.goredforwomen.org/know_your_numbers.aspx

What is your:
-Cholesterol (HDL, LDL and Triglycerides) my last check was normal HDL-56 LDL-91 Tri-85
-Blood Pressure (anything above an average of 110/70 is considered not safe, I was at 130 /85 just before open heart surgery, mine these days is 112/65)
-Blood Glucose (fasting - anything hovering near 100 is pre diabetes - over is diabetic. Before my weight loss surgery I was always at 101 or so, now I am at about 85)
-Body Mass Index (BMI - mine was 43 just before weight loss surgery - clinically obese, Now I am at 31)
-Waist circumference
-Excercise amount each week

If you know your numbers, post them as a reply! (You know I mean YOU!)

At 199!!

Wow, It took a really long time for me to lose these last 3 pounds. This week I got stuck at about 202 for most of the week. I am realizing that I need to be really careful about what I eat now. I am so excited to be below 200 for the first time in ages!! yea!

Closing days of the 200's - 50 pounds lost!

I weigh 202.2. Mind you all this began with me at 252. That is amazing to me and the pants I bought last weekend that are size 16 are getting that diaper butt! And yet some of my size 18's are still tight. American fashion is relative. I am doing great, I can honestly say I have not had to ride the porcelin bus for more than 7 days! Wahoo! That means that I am keeping all my nutrients down and that means I have more energy! On Tuesday I had a personal training session with Brock (the jock). I think he might be 22. But I am still sore from it and I need to do what he taught me. I am thinking about doing it once per week to keep me honest and make sure I do not drift off into slouching wierd excercise habits. I am really needing to beef up my muscles because my skin is beginning to sag in the oddest places. I have elphantlike innner thighs. Or I look like a shar-pei... But I am consistently walking about 3 miles almost every day at lunch and that feels great. I can tell I have more energy overall this week. My girl is out of town this weekend on a youth group retreat and I may try and take a hike so I have done something productive for my health this weekend...

Foamies

Something has happened in the last week. I used to get terrible "foamies" any time I ate too fast or if I ate something too dry and most meats, expecially chicken. Now I seem to both be able to eat a little more than I used to and I am able to overcome the foamies instead of needing to go get rid of what my stomach is reacting too. In the past the foamies never ended, my stomach pouch just kept creating more and more gunk trying to get the dry food to pass. Normally our stomachs do this and we don't even know it, it is just a mucus membrane reaction, but when the pouch is so tiny, it fills up with mucus really fast and the only way to stop it is to get rid of the offending item. Anyway, this is all really gross, but it is nice that it is getting easier. I think it is a combination of me finally learning how to eat slowly and gauge properly when I am full, I am also getting better at chewing my food and putting down my fork or spoon between bites.

The emotional stuff is getting interesting. I am starting to get looked at by guys. And it is really unnerving. I have been happily shielded from this, yet secretly longing for it. Now I am a solid size 16, I had to get new pants this week, and I love feeling attractive again. But, I know I am so not ready to deal with someone approaching me to talk to me just because they are attracted to me. Thankfully that has not happened yet.

Jesus is meeting me in all this. I have had to let go of alot of hoeful expectation with the getting skinny idea. If I was only skinny, then I would...fill in the blank. Instead I am doing this for my health and for the Lord's glory, so he gets to decide how to use me for Him!

Home from the hospital, learning to eat

I went for my gastric bypass on December 16th, then I was released from the hospital only to return 12 hours later as I was getting violently ill. I later learned that this was dumping syndrome, a nasty side effect of eating even a little too much, something with too high a sugar content or eating too close to drinking water, thus putting the undigested stomach contents into the intestinal tract too quickly. But it was a blessing that I returned to the hospital as I had a complication called cellulitis, a fat infection. They were worried it was MRSA and they were really worried that it was in my internal fat around my organs, which I have a very high level of. MRSA in internal fat could have been a very devastating illness. I also have heart disease, pre-diabetes, plantar faciatis and cholesterol issues, so this discovery of internal fat (which is hereditary) was not surprising, but it was good to get confirmation that I really am saving my life by doing this procedure. I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, a lovely gift as I had let go of being home at Christmas.

Friends have asked me what it is like to not eat from an emotional standpoint. One thing I have found I have been just doing since I have been home is writing, to friends about this and about my faith. So maybe the way that I am dealing with the emotional void that is there when I cannot numb myself with food is by writing, by fellowship appointments with Jesus, by being closer to people. This is funny to me since my fat has been a padding of sorts in relationships or of getting closer to people. It is like I know I am now ready to face people as I really am.

I have never really thought of myself as fat, because I have only been overweight for 10 years, my vision of myself was well formed before that and I was a little heavy as an adult, but for the most part I was considered average and when I was 180 I fit in size 12-14 jeans, something I was proud of. At 247 I was only a size 20 and barely into the big lady stores, so that tells you how much fat is/was really on the inside.

So I have been eating myself into the ground literally while I fondly remember rock climbing in the winter in Joshua Tree 20 years ago and I have always thought I would get back to the rocks someday. I think I may have been delusional. How can you climb on anything with a bag of potato chips in your hand? Now it is a reality that I can consider.

Detaching from food: I am sort of still always thinking about food, but it is an excited way because I am trying different foods out on my new stomach. Food also tastes good because I don't eat enough to get bored. My daughter got me a little wasabi dish a while ago, which I love because it has the Icthus fish on it, and if I fill the dish up to where I can still see the fish, then I have about 2-3 ounces of food in it, which is a meal for me. I have 3-6 little meals a day and the hardest part for me is getting all the water in that I am supposed to drink in between because I also have eating restrictions with my antibiotics. I need to drink 64 ounces of water or tea a day. So I am mainly worried about timing. My stomach feels full after 2 or 3 ounces, which is amazing to me. Eventually my stomach will stretch out to about 4 ounces or more if I am not careful , which makes me realize that my former stomach may have been stretched out too big by my past large meal eating.

This is a blog mainly for myself to track what is happening in my crazy brain, but maybe it will bless others as I go along.

Cheers and God bless,
Jen