Closing days of the 200's - 50 pounds lost!

I weigh 202.2. Mind you all this began with me at 252. That is amazing to me and the pants I bought last weekend that are size 16 are getting that diaper butt! And yet some of my size 18's are still tight. American fashion is relative. I am doing great, I can honestly say I have not had to ride the porcelin bus for more than 7 days! Wahoo! That means that I am keeping all my nutrients down and that means I have more energy! On Tuesday I had a personal training session with Brock (the jock). I think he might be 22. But I am still sore from it and I need to do what he taught me. I am thinking about doing it once per week to keep me honest and make sure I do not drift off into slouching wierd excercise habits. I am really needing to beef up my muscles because my skin is beginning to sag in the oddest places. I have elphantlike innner thighs. Or I look like a shar-pei... But I am consistently walking about 3 miles almost every day at lunch and that feels great. I can tell I have more energy overall this week. My girl is out of town this weekend on a youth group retreat and I may try and take a hike so I have done something productive for my health this weekend...

Foamies

Something has happened in the last week. I used to get terrible "foamies" any time I ate too fast or if I ate something too dry and most meats, expecially chicken. Now I seem to both be able to eat a little more than I used to and I am able to overcome the foamies instead of needing to go get rid of what my stomach is reacting too. In the past the foamies never ended, my stomach pouch just kept creating more and more gunk trying to get the dry food to pass. Normally our stomachs do this and we don't even know it, it is just a mucus membrane reaction, but when the pouch is so tiny, it fills up with mucus really fast and the only way to stop it is to get rid of the offending item. Anyway, this is all really gross, but it is nice that it is getting easier. I think it is a combination of me finally learning how to eat slowly and gauge properly when I am full, I am also getting better at chewing my food and putting down my fork or spoon between bites.

The emotional stuff is getting interesting. I am starting to get looked at by guys. And it is really unnerving. I have been happily shielded from this, yet secretly longing for it. Now I am a solid size 16, I had to get new pants this week, and I love feeling attractive again. But, I know I am so not ready to deal with someone approaching me to talk to me just because they are attracted to me. Thankfully that has not happened yet.

Jesus is meeting me in all this. I have had to let go of alot of hoeful expectation with the getting skinny idea. If I was only skinny, then I would...fill in the blank. Instead I am doing this for my health and for the Lord's glory, so he gets to decide how to use me for Him!

Home from the hospital, learning to eat

I went for my gastric bypass on December 16th, then I was released from the hospital only to return 12 hours later as I was getting violently ill. I later learned that this was dumping syndrome, a nasty side effect of eating even a little too much, something with too high a sugar content or eating too close to drinking water, thus putting the undigested stomach contents into the intestinal tract too quickly. But it was a blessing that I returned to the hospital as I had a complication called cellulitis, a fat infection. They were worried it was MRSA and they were really worried that it was in my internal fat around my organs, which I have a very high level of. MRSA in internal fat could have been a very devastating illness. I also have heart disease, pre-diabetes, plantar faciatis and cholesterol issues, so this discovery of internal fat (which is hereditary) was not surprising, but it was good to get confirmation that I really am saving my life by doing this procedure. I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, a lovely gift as I had let go of being home at Christmas.

Friends have asked me what it is like to not eat from an emotional standpoint. One thing I have found I have been just doing since I have been home is writing, to friends about this and about my faith. So maybe the way that I am dealing with the emotional void that is there when I cannot numb myself with food is by writing, by fellowship appointments with Jesus, by being closer to people. This is funny to me since my fat has been a padding of sorts in relationships or of getting closer to people. It is like I know I am now ready to face people as I really am.

I have never really thought of myself as fat, because I have only been overweight for 10 years, my vision of myself was well formed before that and I was a little heavy as an adult, but for the most part I was considered average and when I was 180 I fit in size 12-14 jeans, something I was proud of. At 247 I was only a size 20 and barely into the big lady stores, so that tells you how much fat is/was really on the inside.

So I have been eating myself into the ground literally while I fondly remember rock climbing in the winter in Joshua Tree 20 years ago and I have always thought I would get back to the rocks someday. I think I may have been delusional. How can you climb on anything with a bag of potato chips in your hand? Now it is a reality that I can consider.

Detaching from food: I am sort of still always thinking about food, but it is an excited way because I am trying different foods out on my new stomach. Food also tastes good because I don't eat enough to get bored. My daughter got me a little wasabi dish a while ago, which I love because it has the Icthus fish on it, and if I fill the dish up to where I can still see the fish, then I have about 2-3 ounces of food in it, which is a meal for me. I have 3-6 little meals a day and the hardest part for me is getting all the water in that I am supposed to drink in between because I also have eating restrictions with my antibiotics. I need to drink 64 ounces of water or tea a day. So I am mainly worried about timing. My stomach feels full after 2 or 3 ounces, which is amazing to me. Eventually my stomach will stretch out to about 4 ounces or more if I am not careful , which makes me realize that my former stomach may have been stretched out too big by my past large meal eating.

This is a blog mainly for myself to track what is happening in my crazy brain, but maybe it will bless others as I go along.

Cheers and God bless,
Jen