Home from the hospital, learning to eat

I went for my gastric bypass on December 16th, then I was released from the hospital only to return 12 hours later as I was getting violently ill. I later learned that this was dumping syndrome, a nasty side effect of eating even a little too much, something with too high a sugar content or eating too close to drinking water, thus putting the undigested stomach contents into the intestinal tract too quickly. But it was a blessing that I returned to the hospital as I had a complication called cellulitis, a fat infection. They were worried it was MRSA and they were really worried that it was in my internal fat around my organs, which I have a very high level of. MRSA in internal fat could have been a very devastating illness. I also have heart disease, pre-diabetes, plantar faciatis and cholesterol issues, so this discovery of internal fat (which is hereditary) was not surprising, but it was good to get confirmation that I really am saving my life by doing this procedure. I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, a lovely gift as I had let go of being home at Christmas.

Friends have asked me what it is like to not eat from an emotional standpoint. One thing I have found I have been just doing since I have been home is writing, to friends about this and about my faith. So maybe the way that I am dealing with the emotional void that is there when I cannot numb myself with food is by writing, by fellowship appointments with Jesus, by being closer to people. This is funny to me since my fat has been a padding of sorts in relationships or of getting closer to people. It is like I know I am now ready to face people as I really am.

I have never really thought of myself as fat, because I have only been overweight for 10 years, my vision of myself was well formed before that and I was a little heavy as an adult, but for the most part I was considered average and when I was 180 I fit in size 12-14 jeans, something I was proud of. At 247 I was only a size 20 and barely into the big lady stores, so that tells you how much fat is/was really on the inside.

So I have been eating myself into the ground literally while I fondly remember rock climbing in the winter in Joshua Tree 20 years ago and I have always thought I would get back to the rocks someday. I think I may have been delusional. How can you climb on anything with a bag of potato chips in your hand? Now it is a reality that I can consider.

Detaching from food: I am sort of still always thinking about food, but it is an excited way because I am trying different foods out on my new stomach. Food also tastes good because I don't eat enough to get bored. My daughter got me a little wasabi dish a while ago, which I love because it has the Icthus fish on it, and if I fill the dish up to where I can still see the fish, then I have about 2-3 ounces of food in it, which is a meal for me. I have 3-6 little meals a day and the hardest part for me is getting all the water in that I am supposed to drink in between because I also have eating restrictions with my antibiotics. I need to drink 64 ounces of water or tea a day. So I am mainly worried about timing. My stomach feels full after 2 or 3 ounces, which is amazing to me. Eventually my stomach will stretch out to about 4 ounces or more if I am not careful , which makes me realize that my former stomach may have been stretched out too big by my past large meal eating.

This is a blog mainly for myself to track what is happening in my crazy brain, but maybe it will bless others as I go along.

Cheers and God bless,
Jen